I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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