Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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