But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
