1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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