Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize