you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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