Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
