man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
