Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
