Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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