Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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