I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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