Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
