I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
