Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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