I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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