I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she woke up with a sticky ear
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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