she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
