you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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