..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
