Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
