I am in a vortex of obligation.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
