I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
