I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
