The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
