I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
