my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The struggles of a small town man whore
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
