I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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