Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
