Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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