Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
