The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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