Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
