All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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