You can't special order awesome
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
