A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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