I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
