just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
