I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
