So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
