A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize