I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
