I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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