operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
