Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize