i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
