I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
