Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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