Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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