she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
