Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
