There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
