My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
