Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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