There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I cut my penus on the lid.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
