she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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