hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
