five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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