I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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