sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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